When To Call It Quits…
Studies show that 80% of Americans believe that there is ONE perfect person out there just waiting to be found… a “soulmate” who will fit like a glove, make life magical, and protect you from ever feeling alone.
Even the expression “falling in love” makes it sound like love is out of our hands. Love just happens TO us.
Falling in love is one of the most joyful experiences in your life; YET, we tend to underestimate the level of fear, anxiety, sadness and even anger it can stir up.
Here is the craziest part… your fears tend to grow even stronger the CLOSER you get to someone else. The majority of relationships end up in one of these NOT fun places… constant tension, fighting about everything, avoiding each other, total disconnection, feeling like roommates, lack of trust, no intimacy, or worse.
So, when it comes to deciding whether to call it quits on a relationship we once loved… here are 3 VERY important questions to ask yourself…
1.) IS THIS A REAL PROBLEM?
All couples have problems! When two very different people share a life… conflict is GOING to happen. Most couples have repeated conflict over fundamental differences in your personalities, differences in your lifestyle needs, and different ways of regulating yourself. Dr. Gottman, relationship expert, states that 69% of relationship “problems” are NEVER solved. So – why even think of it as a “problem”… it’s wasted energy! “Real” relationship problems are when you are dealing with issues of abuse or addiction where there is no positive movement to heal. If it is a “real” problem, you need professional help. If it is just that the way they don’t pick up after themselves, are complaining all the time, are annoying you, don’t give you what you need, seem irritable all the time, keep isolating themselves, or not social… these are more about differences that need to be understood and properly managed. As a first step, quit trying to solve the problem. Instead, focus on achieving a new perspective, more empathy, and, ultimately, a healthy dialogue where you both feel accepted and respected.
2.) HAVE I BEEN HERE BEFORE?
Way too often, we end up projecting “old” hurts onto our partner and seeing them through a FAULTY filter that reflects the reality of our past. We don’t typically realize it, but we subconsciously seek to perpetuate what we fear most… fear of abandonment, rejection, intimacy, failure, or not being “good enough”. On an unconscious level, we often seek to recreate negative dynamics from our history. We may also use old, unhealthy coping strategies in our relationships that were adaptive to our life as a child, but no longer serve us. We repeat what we do not repair! Once you take RESPONSIBILITY for your part, you can start to change your ways of interacting in order to get back to a much clearer, more authentic way of relating that feels good to both of you.
3.) DO I LOVE MYSELF?
Most of us did not grow up with pure unconditional love from our parents or a great model of a loving partnership. Think about it… why do we all love puppies and babies? They love us unconditionally – meaning they ACCEPT & RESPECT us just as we are… which in turn allows us to feel free to shower them with love because we have no fear of rejection (which feels awesome). So, if you are not giving unconditional love to yourself and your partner – how will you ever get it? Most people get STUCK waiting for the other person to provide them with the love, security, and validation that everything is ok…. “evidence” that you CAN love freely and you will not get hurt. This is a lose-lose situation. Before deciding that it’s time to leave your relationship, try learning how to love yourself. I know you believe that your emptiness and resentment is about your spouse, but it’s not! It’s about your own self-abandonment. You feel empty and resentful because you do not love yourself. If you leave the relationship before finding out how and why you’re rejecting yourself… your dysfunctional relationship patterns WILL continue, no matter who you’re with. Self love looks like being proud of who you are by not criticizing yourself, practicing good self care regularly, not needing validation from others to feel good about yourself, having clear boundaries that empower you to be more loving with others, and taking 100% responsibility for your own happiness. When you learn to fill yourself with love, then you will have love to share. You’re able to listen… really listen without controlling, reacting, or sabotaging every conversation. When you truly love yourself, you allow others to just BE and really love, accept, and respect them… exactly as they are.
>>> SO, if you do not have a “real” problem, you feel like you have been here before, or you do not fully love yourself… it is NOT time to throw in the towel.
The issues in your relationship are not about your partner… it’s about YOU.
Don’t focus on correcting them or telling them what they can, should, or shouldn’t do.
Instead, focus on taking full RESPONSIBILITY for your part of the dynamic.
Choose being CLOSE over being right. This attitude will warm your spouse’s heart and inspire them to love you in a way that feels amazing.
If you want to know for sure if your relationship is worth saving and you want the exact steps on how to create a relationship that you love… then, sign up for a free Discovery Call now!
>>> To book a call and speak with us, go to http://relationshipremedies.com/apply/
Ray & Debbie Cherry, LMFT
@ Relationship Remedies.com