Who here wants to feel HEARD more than anything?
You just want your partner to “get you” and connect. You want to feel safe to say how you feel. You want to feel respected for who who are. You want to feel valued and even cherished.
WHEN YOU FEEL VALIDATED… you get the message… “You matter to me, regardless of whether I agree with your perspective or whether your feelings make sense to me.”
Validation CREATES emotional safety, honesty, expression of underlying emotions, and connection.
INVALIDATION, on the other hand, is when you reject, debate, minimize, demean, judge, or try to fix someone’s EMOTIONS.
Here are some examples of what NOT to say…
• “You’re so sensitive.”
• “That’s ridiculous. You shouldn’t feel that way.”
• “It’s no big deal. Why do you get so emotional?”
• “Lighten up. You’re overreacting.”
• “Can’t you take a joke?”
• “Relax. Stop freaking out!”
• “You are not being rational.”
• “It’s nothing to get upset over.”
• “You shouldn’t let it bother you.”
• “You should be over that by now.”
When someone is critical of us, we naturally and reflexively defend ourselves, as a means to maintain our own validity.
Most couples do this by taking turns ARGUING their point of view during a disagreement (such a waste of time and energy!).
So many couples get STUCK in this vicious cycle of not feeling heard, and attacking, defending, or shutting down…
Neither person in the relationship wants to “give in”.
People get stuck being able to successfully validate because of underlying DAMAGING beliefs, like…
If I validate, I won’t be heard.
If I validate, it will only enable the destructive behaviors.
Validation won’t fix or solve the problem.
If I validate, they will think I’m agreeing with them.
If I validate, their emotions will escalate and get out of control.
I don’t know how to validate the right way.
If I don’t teach them, they will never learn.
If I validate, they will get stuck in complaining.
These are all FALSE beliefs (it’s your darn reptilian part of your brain trying to take over)! Validating does NOT mean admitting that you are wrong, “rolling over”, or giving up, or that you are weak!
The EXACT opposite is true… when you let that barbaric part of your brain lead the way… you both end up feeling like crap and eroding trust in the relationship.
Having the self regulation to choose what YOU ultimately want in the long run (compassion, love, connection, acceptance, mutual respect, trust, teamwork, growth) OVER – your short term automatic reaction (protection, defense, retaliation, control, contempt, anger) – IS EMPOWERING, INSPIRING, & LOVING to yourself and your partner!
Think back to the last time you really felt heard, understood, and listened to. It’s a POWERFUL feeling, right?
VALIDATION… It says I hear you. I see you. I get it. I care about your feelings.
Its importance cannot be overstated.
If you are sick of not being validated or not being able to do it yourself due to overwhelming resentment… just schedule a FREE call with us and we will let you know if it’s something we can help with….
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